Negotiation: Lessons from Chris Voss
Imagine you’re going to a very important party with your partner, and you want to wear black shoes, but your partner wants you to wear brown shoes instead. How would you negotiate this situation? Many people believe that win-win or 50/50 is the best outcome in negotiation. If you think so, what is the win-win in this example? Are you going to wear one black shoe and one brown shoe? It sounds ridiculous, right? Chris Voss, author of the New York Times best-selling book “Never Split the Difference: Negotiate as If Your Life Depends on It,” does not believe in win-wins. With over 20 years of experience as a hostage negotiator at the FBI, Chris found that the fundamentals of human negotiations are essentially the same in any situation.
Lesson 1: Understand First
Every negotiation begins with the universally applicable law that people want to be understood and accepted. Listening is the cheapest yet most effective thing we can do to achieve this. By listening intensely, you demonstrate empathy and a sincere desire to understand what the other side is experiencing.
Key Points:
- People usually yell in negotiations because they feel unheard.
- Everyone wants to be understood, respected, and then get what they want.
- Failure to listen leads to failed negotiations.
Lesson 2: Negotiation is Not a Battle; It’s a Discovery
People who view negotiation as a battle of arguments become overwhelmed by the voices in their heads. Negotiation is about uncovering what the other side wants, whether it’s money, time, respect, or recognition.
Tactics:
- Smile: Smiling switches on positivity and makes us 31% smarter.
- Mirroring: Repeat the last three or most critical words your opponent said.
- Example: “You want more money.”
- Mirroring makes the opponent reveal more information.
Lesson 3: Tactical Empathy
Tactical empathy involves understanding the feelings and mindset of the other person and identifying emotional obstacles. Once identified, label the emotion.
Labeling:
- Labels start with “It seems like…” or “It sounds like…”
- Example: “It seems like you care a lot about your students.”
- Labeling confirms the right emotion and shows the opponent that you understand them.
Diffusing Negatives with Labels:
- Identify negative feelings your opponent might have and label them.
- Example: “It might seem like we’re screwing you and can’t keep our promises.”
- Diffusing negatives helps focus on solutions rather than complaints.
Lesson 4: Start with No
Pushing hard for a yes doesn’t bring victory. No is the start of the negotiation, not the end.
Key Points:
- Saying yes can make people feel committed or trapped.
- Starting with no makes people feel safe and in control.
- Example: “Is it a bad time to talk for 5 minutes?”
Lesson 5: “That’s Right”
“That’s right” is one of the most powerful phrases in negotiation. To get this response, repeat your opponent’s words back to them.
Key Points:
- “That’s right” means your opponent feels completely heard.
- Avoid “You’re right” as it often means they want to end the conversation.
Conclusion:
Dealing with people is one of the hardest jobs. You can be perfect at your job, but poor people skills can make work challenging. By following these lessons from Chris Voss, you can become a better negotiator and achieve more successful outcomes.
FAQs:
Q1: Why is listening important in negotiation? Listening demonstrates empathy and a desire to understand the other side, which is crucial for successful negotiation.
Q2: How can I use tactical empathy in negotiation? Understand the feelings and mindset of the other person, identify emotional obstacles, and label the emotions to confirm and show understanding.
Q3: Why should I start with no in negotiation? Starting with no makes people feel safe and in control, leading to more effective negotiations.
Q4: What is the difference between “That’s right” and “You’re right”? “That’s right” means your opponent feels heard and understood, while “You’re right” often means they want to end the conversation.
Q5: How can I diffuse negative emotions in negotiation? Identify negative feelings your opponent might have and label them to help focus on solutions rather than complaints.